About Therapy With Me
The Rules You Wrote as a Child Are Still in the Room
A five-year-old hears a loud noise and hides in the corner. That’s a good rule when you’re five.
It works, so you keep it, and nobody ever asks you to look at it again.
Thirty-five years later, the loud noise is your partner’s voice going up in the kitchen, and some part of you still leaves the room.
My essence, if I have to name it, is helping you see which rules and beliefs you made as a child that don’t work for you as an adult. At forty the corner isn’t there anymore, and you have to learn how to face the loud noise.
Your Interpretation Is Where the Pain Lives
Much of our pain stems from not necessarily what happened, but what our interpretation of the occurrence was.
In a marriage that goes double, because two people are running two different rulebooks and neither one has read the other’s.
Half of a Hard Conversation Is Decided Before You Start It
You want to come into any hard conversation as the best version of yourself.
One of you says everything, fast, and then says it again. The other sits with arms crossed and says almost nothing.
Whichever one you are, you don’t have the hard conversation angry, and you don’t have it hungry. You have it when you’ve actually got the time, and I’m serious about that.
Were You Expecting to Be Heard?
Then there’s the thought you’re already carrying before either of you says a word. Were you going into that conversation assuming you weren’t going to be heard?
If you go in assuming you won’t be heard, you go in with a little edge, and your partner picks that edge up and gets defensive.
A year of walking on eggshells will teach you to expect the worst version of your partner, and then you carry that expectation into the room with you.
Lay the Rose Petals Out First
Before the hard part of a conversation, put something down that your partner can stand on.
What I really appreciate about you is this. I know you’re trying, and I appreciate when you help me with the dishes.
And here’s what I’m feeling…
You Collected That Data Somewhere Else
Some of what you carry into that conversation was never about this relationship at all.
Old assumptions. Fears from years ago, gathered from people who weren’t your partner.
You collected that data in another science experiment, and it isn’t fair to take it and apply it to this situation.
What each of you brings to the conversation is the piece you can change.
Expect Homework, and Expect Me to Ask You About It
One of you has probably been asking for this for a year. The other one finally said yes.
Most of the couples who sit down with me have been to couples counseling before, and whatever happened there didn’t hold.
So if you’re bringing some skepticism in with you, bring it. It’s earned.
My strength is that I don’t let you leave the room without work being done. Here is what a week with me looks like.
Practice It Here Before You Take It Home
Every week opens with a recap of the last session, so progress gets measured by the two of you and not taken on my word.
You’ll practice new ways of communicating right there in the room, talking to each other and not only to me, then take those tools home for the moments when the anger or the hurt actually shows up.
There’s always homework. Assignments get referred back to, goals get set and then revisited, and I will ask.
Sometimes I’ll meet with each of you alone, so you can tell me the things that are hard to say in front of your partner. The more you put in, the more you get out.
Keep What You Value Most at the Front
Time also goes to knowing what you value most, and to keeping those values at the front of the goals you set for your lives together, or apart.
I say that last part on purpose. Your goals should hold up either way.
How You’ll Know the Two of You Are Getting Somewhere
By the end, the change is visible. You’ve got a new way of talking to each other and you use it.
The homework gets done. You spend more time together.
The body language in my office changes too. They seemingly come in as a couple, as opposed to two separate individuals.
Most couples get there somewhere between six and nine months in. Some sooner. Some longer.
About Linda Jordan, LMFT
Staying steady in a room where two people are coming apart is a particular skill. Mine came out of two careers spent with people at their worst.
For 24 years before I was a therapist, I worked as a hospital-based nurse, most of those years in the Intensive Care and Critical Care Units. Families make the hardest decisions of their lives in those rooms, and somebody has to stay steady while they do it.
I’ve been a therapist for 26 years now.
Where Your Tools Came From
Most of my training was based in Grief Counseling and working with victims of Domestic Violence, and the range since then runs from 2-year-olds in a shelter for victims of Domestic Violence to professional adults who carry work and life stressors beyond anyone’s normal capacity.
Over many years of working with couples I developed my own system for breaking down their challenges, giving each person tools to own their part, and with that, control over the improvements they make together.
I have come to see the resiliency in everyone, and to trust everyone’s innate ability to “find their way.” Being part of my clients’ healing has been an honor, and I consider it a privilege to walk alongside each one.
And I like my clients. I know how cliche that sounds. I mean it anyway.
Nana to Eight, Lana to Four
Outside the office, I have 2 adult children, and a step-daughter from a previous marriage who I still see on a regular basis. I am “Nana” to 8 grandchildren and “Lana” to the 4 grandchildren of my life partner, Jim.
Tell Me What’s Been Happening at Home
If you want to live the life you dreamed of, to feel fulfilled in your marriage or your relationship, to speak freely and honestly to your partner without hesitation, send me a message and tell me a little about what’s been happening at home. I am eager to meet you.
Couples and individual counseling, in person or virtual, in the Ventura and Ojai area.
Say the Thing You've Been Holding
Life is better lived free of hesitations, so you can be your authentic self, speak your mind, and be heard.
Start with a free 15-minute call. It's our time to talk briefly so we're less like strangers when we meet.
I am eager to meet you!
Let's Be Less Like Strangers